Why He Watches Porn Instead of Having Sex

This is my fifth in my How Sexuality Works series. Prior entries can be found at links below:

• Sexuality Is a River
• What is Erotic and Why? Part I
• What is Erotic and Why? Part II
• Are We Sexually Compatible

Nature is efficient. Water flows in the direction of least resistance. Organisms of all kinds will adapt to their environment to conserve energy. This shows up in the sex and mating of animal species like larger testicles and more sperm when there is more sexual competition among a species but small testicles and less sperm when there is less sexual competition. When we get to humans, these principles apply too. This is one take on human sexual efficiency.

There’s a lot of concern about pornography among my clients. Many come in self-diagnosed or arm-chair diagnosed by their partners as “sex addicts” because of their masturbation and pornography viewing habits. I’ve written other blog entries (here and here) about the problems with the concept of porn addiction. Several professional organizations have come out formally against “sex addiction treatment” including this statement from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists of which I am a member. I also want to acknowledge that while I’ve gendered the title of this entry, men aren’t the only ones who watch porn. However, concerns about males viewing porn are orders of magnitude higher in frequency and so I titled this post to catch that interest.

Why do some people like pornography so much?

There are some simple answers to this question. But I’ve found they don’t calm fears in concerned clients and their partners. Those answers include, “because it is pleasurable” or “because men are more visually focused they prefer images and videos over written material”. The one answer that does seem to cultivate some compassion through understanding is this: Porn is easy to watch.

Sex, especially with a long-term partner may include negotiation, interpersonal communication, effort to connect, associated thoughts, conversation, and experiences related to the stressors of running and maintaining a household and/or family, as well as the clean-up, cuddling, and aftercare with that partner. This is all great stuff. It is the raw material of intimacy and long-term connection. It is wonderful that sex can bond us with a partner through all of these aspects in just one encounter. But arousal and orgasm are so amazing they have many more capacities than only strengthening the relationship.

A partner using porn alone for arousal and masturbation might be seeking a natural stress reliever, a natural sleep aid, a natural pick me up with fewer side effects than coffee, the opportunity to passively appreciate beauty, a fantasy of being desired (or many other kinds of fantasy), an erotic boost to bring into the relationship at another time, or any of the many other positive benefits that masturbation and fantasy might provide. Porn brings the promise of all of these.

But isn’t porn or masturbation like this a problem?

Like any coping skill, if it is the only one you’ve got, then having a limited set of coping tools might be a problem but that doesn’t make the one coping skill a problem. The problem is the limited set of coping tools.

If the person lacks the ability to connect to their partner and that kind of emotional connection is one of the relationship agreements then yes, that’s a problem. But take note, nothing in that sentence says anything about pornography.

Here’s a tricky objection that I hear fairly often, “If my partner is watching porn and not bringing that erotic energy to me, then I’m not okay with that. If they were watching porn and still interested in me, I’d be okay with it.” In this case, the aggrieved partner sees pornography as taking something away from them that they desire very deeply. They see porn as getting in the way of their relationship needs being met. Almost every time though, as I dig deeper into the couple’s lives and learn more, there’s a deeper issue at play but it is hard to see. That is, there’s an imbalance in the ecology of the relationship making porn easier than partnered sex. That requires a little explanation.

Water Seeks the Lowest Point

There is an ecology at play in our sexual lives. The water in a river seeks the lowest point. If we’re talking about the path of sexual interest as a river then pornography offers a very low path. That is, very little energy is required for a person to find a conduit for sexual arousal through pornography. So if partnered sex is desired instead of pornography there are three solutions. First, you could lower the energy investment required for partnered sex. You might tell your partner, “I’ll get a towel for the wet spot and take care of it later so you don’t have to” or “Let’s just go have quick hot sex and not worry about anything else going on for us for 10 minutes!” The erotic energy, like water, will flow in the direction of least resistance.

Second, try eliminating drains on energy for the relationship. If you and your partner have a history of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse), then having sex means getting enough arousal to get past those painful experiences. That requires a lot of erotic energy. Healing those communication patterns and becoming more generally loving and kind with each other will create a more conducive atmosphere for sex between the couple. Even then, individuals need enough water in the river of their arousal to get there.

Third, increase the water level of the river. Though some people experience an increase in sexual desire frequency under pressure, more people experience a decrease in sexual desire in light of stress. Stress diverts some of the energy we have for eroticism away. In the analogy, there is less water in our river. Sometimes, this depletes a person so much that they have nothing left for partnered sex. The little additional trickle of arousal created by a stimulating image or video can help a person access their sexuality enough to get the benefits of stress relief in masturbation but not enough to replenish their energy for partnered sex. Managing energy resources by working less, exercising more, eating right, sleeping more, reducing commitments, and taking care of yourself better can help if you have the capacity to make those changes.

In order for a person to have the water in their river so their eroticism can feed both the pornography watching branch and the partnered sex branch, they need to have enough energy and vitality left over so their energy can flow past the lowest point of porn to reach downriver and spill into the potential for partnered sex.

Practical Application

Does the person who watches porn work more than full time? Most people have more energy and attention for partnered sex when they work less.

Does the person watching porn take care of household duties for other people often? We are often less ready for partnered sex when we’re overwhelmed with taking care of others.

How much verbal processing, interpersonal processing, negotiation, or planning does the person have to do on a daily basis? Often when people have cognitively demanding jobs or interpersonally demanding jobs, they feel too exhausted to use those skills at the end of a day. Can you work out simplified or gentle sexual invitation, acceptance, and consent negotiations to ease the process? Can you identify when the times for low demand times at work are and coordinate partnered sexual time for those periods?  

If These Ideas Don’t Apply to Your Situation

There may be some other situations that cause the barrier to partnered sex too. First, if there are mental health issues like depression, ADHD, or OCD, that may play a factor in why the person pursues the easier course or does not engage with their partner. Treatment for that underlying mental health challenge may change the behavior and because of that, porn isn’t the problem, the mental health is the problem. Second, sometimes even when there are adequate time and energy for sex, no interpersonal problems, a person might still pursue the easiest course of action. Porn is still easier to look at. In those cases, consider increasing the challenge to view pornography in non-shaming ways. For example, create an impossibly complex password on the internet router and then keep that password inside a difficult to access part of the home like a box high up in a closet. If the person wanting to view pornography has to work to get access to it, they may find that today it would be easier to hit on their partner instead.

Just keep in mind, the problem isn’t pornography. In order for me not to eat a whole bag of chips, I need to do something like this too. I keep the chips in the cupboard and if I want some I have to put a predetermined amount in a bowl then put the bag back in the cupboard. Chips aren’t the problem. I’m just naturally inclined to eat fats, salts, and sugars as much as I can for evolutionary reasons. Since I have ready access to them, if I want to stay healthy I need to limit how many I eat. Since we’re also inclined to preserve energy, a little inconvenience can go a long way to discourage unhealthy behaviors.

If this section still doesn’t cover your situation, reach out by writing a comment or sending me an email. I’d be curious to know what I’ve missed.

Conclusion

Rather than looking at pornography as an easy source of shame or blame, notice the ecology of the watershed for your sexual river and try to figure out how to get more water into that river in the first place. The energy we have for eroticism can only be used for eroticism after the other necessary needs are met. Our energy is a limited resource. We need to manage our lives well in order to preserve energy for watering the flowers in the fields downstream.