Couples Coping with COVID-19

“I can’t believe we’ve only been quarantined for two days and I already can’t stand being with my partner.”

“I’m glad that we’re together, but we’ve been so distant for so long that I’m not sure what this is going to be like.”

“Either being quarantined together is going to bring us together or finally break us apart.”

Extreme circumstances try a relationship—it’s normal. With little notice, you’ve been thrust together for at least the next few weeks. The external circumstance is uncertain and many of the things that make being a couple challenging are likely to come up. Anxieties about money may cause conflicts about how to manage it. Children with cabin fever may expose cracks in your parenting team. Boredom is the best aphrodisiac but simmering resentments and different desires about sexuality may also come bubbling to the surface.

In abnormal times such as these, couples may go through all of these challenges—again, it’s normal. In this post, I’m going to offer a step-by-step guide for trying to turn your relationship from being another shelter-in-place stressor to one of the bright sides of having some time together.

Align the Vision and Create a Routine

Your usual way of doing things isn’t going to work now. No two people will have the same ideas about how to cope with this circumstance. You need to sit down together (just the adults, no kids) and identify what your goals are for this period of time. Common goals might include making sure that the kids maintain their educational progress, maintain an environment that allows you to work from home, reducing expenses, having time for you as a couple, or getting to some long-delayed hobbies or projects.

Identify some ideas about how to spend this time cooped up together, and/or goals that you both have, and then identify how to meet as many of these as possible. Make sure that you have time together and apart, time that is structured (like work), and free time for things like playing games and hobbies. Put a tentative weekly calendar on the fridge. If at all possible, as you align the vision, try to avoid win-lose decision-making processes that pit one person’s goals against another’s. Your couple and your family will function better if your schedule represents a diversity of values.

Vent the Frustrations and Cultivate Gratitude

Usually, when I teach couples this I invite them to use a tool I call “15-15”. Two times in a week set aside fifteen minutes for the two of you as a couple. One of those fifteen-minute periods is for venting frustrations. Divide the time in half so that you each have seven-and-a-half minutes each. Then, as kindly and respectfully as possible, identify what hasn’t worked for you since the last time you had a chance to vent. The other person doesn’t rebut or defend, they just listen in respectful silence. When the seven-and-a-half minutes is over, switch and allow the other person to express their frustrations. At the end of the time, you may keep talking, take time to yourself, or just go about life as usual. The goal of the venting is to prevent little things from building up and becoming bigger issues.

In the other fifteen-minute period, usually on a different day, you express appreciation for your partner. Again, you take turns of seven-and-a-half minutes each while your partner sits in respectful silence. It tends to feel pretty good to hear good things for those minutes.

Usually, I recommend couples do each of these check-in sessions once a week. Cooped up with COVID-19, you may find that you need to maintain more communication about what is and isn’t working. Don’t be afraid to increase the frequency as long as doing so is serving both of you.

If you’re a family with children or elders, I’d recommend creating some kind of family check-in. Some families do a “roses and thorns” check-in over dinner where you go around the table and each person says the best and worst part of their day. In my family, we do “high, low, silly, and gratitude”— that is, the best thing, the worst thing, something funny or amusing, and thanks to someone specific and what they did for you that you appreciate. A more formal family meeting with an agenda, problem-solving, and follow up is also possible, but even during this time of being cooped up that probably isn’t needed every day.

Identify the Bigger Issues and Resolve Them

If you and your partner have a high conflict pattern, lack of sexual connection, hurts, or resentments from the past, those pains may be difficult to just push aside. Now is a great time to pick up a book for couples and try to do the work to solve those problems together. Here are some good books to read together to try to help you through:

• “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love,” by Sue Johnson
• “The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work,” by Terry Real.
• “Come as You Are: The Surprising Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life,” by Emily Nagoski
• “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert,” by John Gottman and Nan Silver.
• “No More Fighting: The Relationship Book for Couples: 20 Minutes a Week to a Strong Relationship,” by Alicia Muñoz.

If you’re concerned about book costs, check your local library. There may be free digital downloads available through your library account. For working your way through old hurts, I highly recommend Sue Johnson’s, “Hold Me Tight,” Conversation 5: Forgiving Injuries.

A couple’s therapist can also help. During this time, many therapists are using telemedicine to provide their services. It may seem a little odd to think about using video conferencing for therapy, but many therapists and clients all over the country in remote areas have been using this method effectively for years. I haven’t been doing telemedicine for long, but I’m already seeing that the same kinds of touching, conflict resolving, and heart-opening transformations can happen via telemedicine as I’m used to seeing in my office.

May you, your relationship, your loved ones, and your community all be well during this difficult time. Remember to be kind, respectful, and do what you can to make this easier on the people who are stuck with you for the next few weeks.